End of Semester Reflection

What I'd Like to Read Over the Next Few Years  

 

 Oh, how I miss reading for pleasure! I'd like to read a lot more over the next few years, especially after graduation. Being in school and working full time doesn't allow much time to read anything other than what's required for class. I would like to learn how to manage my time better so I'd probably start with a time management book. I have a hard time balancing everything and then I get frustrated when I don't have time to write. This isn't typically something I'd read--I usually read fiction. I'd also like to read more biographies but I'm not sure on just who yet. Maybe J.K. Rowling because she is the most successful female author in the world. I might give the Harry Potter books another go, too. I read one (don't remember which one) but that genre really isn't my thing.   

Experiences to Help Me Along . . .

   To name some experiences I'd like to have over the next several years that would help me be a better writer . . . I'd like to travel more. I think being in new places with unfamiliar sights and sounds can be inspiring. Even if it's just to take a weekend trip to Savannah, I think getting away from my usual surroundings will add a richness to my writing. I'd like to find a writer's group and continue workshopping my writing even if it's just a chance to meet other writers. I don't see my degree as the end of learning the craft so I hope to take more classes in the future, maybe even genre-specific classes once I figure out what I'd like to focus on.

   I can't think of many specific experiences I want to have related to writing--I think I do best when I just stay open to new experiences and say "yes" more often to opportunities, even if they are not something I would usually do. I've said yes to so many things over the past few years and some have gone well and some have fallen flat but they taught me something each time so I don't regret it. When something goes wrong, it's even more interesting to write about it! Life gives us plenty of material every day. We don't even have to go looking for it. But as far as helping me to be a better writer . . . I've learned the importance of revising and re-writing over and over again. I've found that I'm not happy with a piece until at least five re-writes. So I definitely plan to re-write everything as many times as necessary. 

Upcoming Projects

As for writing projects, that is easier for me to answer. I plan on completing my paranormal thriller trilogy in the next couple of years. I am about halfway through the second novel right now. I'm also working on a funny children's book called "Street Cats." I'd like to try my hand at different genres and styles of writing. Comedic, horror, and sci-fi are genres I'd like to try out in future projects.  

 

  Career

  I'm going to be taking at least one technical writing class with my first one being next semester. I know it's nothing like creative writing and very tedious. I'm either going to love it or hate it. I'm going to consider this as a possible career path because I like the flexibility; many people in this field work from home. I need autonomy for whatever I do for 40 hours a week. I also like marketing and advertising copywriting. I've done a few freelance projects in this field and really enjoyed it so I'll be trying to find more work in this. In the back of my mind, there's always the dream of being a successful published author. It's the hardest route to go and I'll keep writing books and querying agents and/or self-publishing, but since I need to make a living now, I can't focus 100% on that. I'm going to keep putting myself out there to see what happens. If I've learned anything, it's that opportunities come in the most unexpected ways so staying open and flexible is important.

I Was Surprised . . .

   After completing the Presentation of a Writer project, I was really surprised to find out that I have been too hard on myself at times! I have already started achieving my goals: writing and publishing a novel and earning a bachelors degree, which will happen next year. I also was surprised to find out how confused I am at times about having a writing career. I want to stay open to opportunities and not limit myself but I also think I may be too unfocused and should pick one thing to put my energy into. Either way, I do think things will come together soon because I'm not going to give up.

Thoughts on Workshop #2 Critiques

Emma Reinhardt’s critique was the most helpful in that she identified strengths and weaknesses in a balanced way while making suggestions on improvements and explaining the suggestions. She, along with Annie Hall and Anneliese Ely, describe how confusing the story is because of inconsistencies in character. Hunter Morgan made an important insight when he wrote, “Someone willing to end their life because of embarrassment would probably be willing to go back to an abuser to avoid the embarrassment instead.” 

I was not happy with this story when I submitted it and knew that I would make some global changes in plot and work on improving characterization and removing the inconsistencies. The workshop helped to clarify some of the issues I was having and suggest ideas for improvement, like showing more of the protagonist’s emotions rather than telling. Suicide has to have a bigger motivation than to avoid embarrassment or not living up to others’ expectations. 

In the latest draft I have removed the confusing and out of place ending (the hug from a co-worker) and replaced it with something much more meaningful that would give her a reason to stay alive. Also, I’m hoping that a common trait of people contemplating suicide comes through (and does not further confuse): that when someone has made up her mind to commit suicide, she may seem happier than usual because she feels relieved that there will be an end to her suffering. The psychology of it is interesting to me and I think that including some contradictions makes the story more realistic.

Thoughts about Working on Final Portfolio

After two fiction workshops, I've noticed my main weakness is that I tend to focus more on external conflict. As much as I try to focus on the internal, the focus always seems to remain on the external. It is so frustrating. It seems like such a simple concept and I feel that I shouldn't have trouble with it at this point, but it still confuses me.
Reading the short stories this semester helped by showing me differences in technique and also by inspiring me. I'm going to keep reading and practice and hopefully one day it will click and it will happen in my own stories naturally.
As I near the completion of my English degree, I've realized that writing is much harder than I thought! But I know that I love it enough to keep trying and that I have plenty of time and need to not be so hard on myself. Working full time and going to school tends to exhaust my brain so I'm tempted to blame it on this too. But I'm not ready to give up yet!

Pre-Workshop 2

I'm finding this draft to be more difficult than the first workshop. I'm wondering if I should scrap it and start over with a different story. What is working is the structure--the frame story--where I started off with the present went back to the past and then back to the present day. I think I need to add a lot more information into the story to better develop the characters and internal conflict. The story needs to be longer in order to give more back story or show why she chooses to marry the wrong guy and knows it. I think the story goes too fast in the middle when showing her fight with her husband, then she leaves. It might be better to show more of that to build the tension before she leaves. This would also be a good time to talk more about her past, her family and even get into why her husband changed so much over the past year.

As far as workshop, I'd like to address whether this story has any potential or if I should start over. For some reason, I'm feeling very unsure of this one but it could be all in my head. I'd like to know if the frame structure is actually the right way to present it or if there is a more effective way. I'd also like to get feedback on how I can develop the main character's inner struggle better, what is working and what is not.

Speaking of conflict, the main character is never named, but she struggles with trying to live up to her family's expectations and not disappoint them by divorcing her abusive husband. She has always been drawn to the wrong type of people, especially in relationships and she needs to figure out how to do what's right for her and stop caring what other people think.

Story Structure and Form

Carver's "Cathedral" is structured in a linear and chronological fashion. When I picture it being re-written as a frame story, I think it might have been more interesting because it would have started in the present, when Robert was at the house with the narrator and his wife and then gone back to the past to give more information. This may not have worked, however, in that it might be too confusing! Also, in telling the story in chronological order, we get the experience of the buildup of tension, and even suspense, with the narrator being nervous about the arrival of his wife's blind friend. The narrator has a choice to make near the end when Robert asks him to first describe, and then draw, a cathedral with him. He could have remained closed-off but instead he allows himself to open up to Robert. This is a change for him because throughout the story, he is sarcastic and less than excited about meeting his wife's friend because it makes him uncomfortable. He does seem to change at the end as he bonds with Robert. After they draw the cathedral together, the narrator keeps his eyes closed and says, "It's really something." This shows that Robert has taught him a different way of "seeing" things, so to speak. Because of this, the chronological structure is the best for the story because this is the most impactful way to end the story and show the narrator's change.

Perspective

In “How to Become a Writer,” Lorrie Moore is an unreliable narrator, giving (mostly) terrible advice to aspiring writers. She writes in the second person point of view so the essay is not so much about her struggle—although much of the advice could be taken from her own experience—but about what she thinks is necessary in becoming a writer. It is obvious from the tongue-in-cheek tone that she is not expecting readers to take her advice literally but then why write the piece? What she is telling us to do is unrealistic and full of bad life choices. She doesn’t expect us to follow her advice word for word; she is making the point that it is OK to make mistakes. It is OK to be a little irresponsible in youth, a little careless, because this is the only time you can get away with it. This is your time to find yourself. It is OK to veer off the path from time to time and find out who you are and what you want. 

The second person point of view is the most effective for this piece because it jumps out at you: do this, do that, make terrible mistakes, etc. It is more direct and has more of an impact than if she told the story in first person or third person. I would use this point of view—although I never have—if I thought the story needed it. So far, I haven’t written a story or essay in second person. It seems like it would be limiting and only work in a piece similar to Moore’s. There are probably many more possibilities but I think it would be fun to try.

   

Reflections from an Editor

   Having just completed the first round of workshop critiques, I feel like I have gotten better at trying to understand what the story is really about, noticing subtext, and being confident in suggesting both small and global changes to help the writer take the story to a new level. Many times, it is one small thing that is already in the story but not explored or developed enough. Focusing on this can make a huge difference and take a story from good to amazing. 

   This being an online class, we are only giving written responses and critiques. This can make it both easier and more difficult. It is almost easier to give written responses because you have time to think about what you will write and choose your words carefully. However, talking in person can be easier because you can rely on tone of voice and facial expressions to get your meaning across without offending the writer. I've done most workshops online so it's hard for me to compare in-person vs. written responses. I think in-person could be more effective because you could have a conversation and clarify things right away, whereas reading only written responses can lead to confusion. 

   What stood out to me the most from the Straub essay were his insights on how to present comments. It's important to not only explain your comments but also to try to "engage the writer in considering her choices and thinking about possible ways to improve the paper." I do find that I have the urge to change things in someone's story and say, "Do this!" not out of sheer bossiness but out of excitement and seeing the potential of the story. (This is why I love to have my work critiqued: as the writer, there are so many things that I miss but a different set of eyes can really offer suggestions to make my story so much better) I really try to focus on reigning in my excitement because the writer may have different intentions for the story and it's not my story to change, only to make suggestions and explain why.

Pre-Workshop Reflection

     Having just completed my first draft of "Logan's Flight," the aspect that I'm most excited about is the distinct voice of my main character. Logan is funny and sarcastic but underneath that is a lot of pain and struggle. I think this makes her realistic. Usually I find it challenging to create a voice or to recognize if my writing has a distinct voice or not. I think it's working better in this story because the source of Logan's tension is based on someone I've met a handful of times. I wanted to try writing this from the perspective of someone close to her, so I thought what better way to create tension than to make it her mother? I like my writing to challenge me as well and this story definitely does that. It's hard to write about a mother/daughter relationship like this one, especially because the mother is so selfish and cold but has no self-awareness, has no idea how she affects other people.

     I do want to make improvements in terms of internal conflict for Logan. I worry there may be too much focus on her mother, which is external and not on Logan herself. I hope it comes across that showing her irritation with her mother is reflective of problems Logan needs to work on. Especially because she is, like her mother, not incredibly self-aware in the beginning. She doesn't see the contradictions in her logic and behavior. For example, she is so aggravated by her mother that she tries to avoid her but yet she is also co-dependent and still turns to her when something goes wrong.

     For this reason, I would say her internal conflict is that she has low self-esteem and needs to value herself more. She wants to be strong and independent but she keeps repeating the same patterns, allowing unhealthy relationships to remain in her life when creating some distance from those toxic people would be in her best interest.

     For the workshop, I'd like to address how to put more focus on Logan's internal conflict and less on how she is affected by her mother. Also I'd like to know if the ending is too quick of a turn-around for Logan or if it seems natural and shows that she is taking a risk and trying to better her life. 
 

Letter from Cynthia to Anna

Diary entry from protagonist to the source of her tension. . .

Anna,

   Your poor husband. He probably wants to kill himself. This was my first thought when I saw you today.  I watched you walking back with the doctor and all I could think was, I’m so glad she is not scheduled for therapy with me today. I cannot take the energy that emanates from your very being. You exist in a bubble of obsessive and pushy self-pity, the kind that will not be ignored. You insist upon telling me (and everyone else you see) the same sob-story over and over again. Don’t get me wrong; I have compassion for you. But the problem with you is that you do not want to get better. You say you do, but if your shoulder pain were to go away, what would you have left? You would have to come up with some other problem to make the main focus of your life. 

   You get really excited when Dr. Stein gives you any kind of bad news. You want to have bragging rights, want to be able to tell people your awful story but you make sure to do it with a smile and a “look how strong and positive I am!” attitude. It’s so phony. Most people would hear the diagnosis and say, “OK what can I do to make it better?” and then do it. But you wear it like a badge of honor. It’s your identity. You come into the office every week for treatment with the same woeful, martyr, self-pitying, worse for the wear but “I’m here and I’m pushing through!” smile. I imagine a swell of euphoria rises from your toes and flows up to your head like a fast rushing river when someone tells you, “oh you poor thing. But you have such a great attitude. You’re an inspiration to me.” I can see it in your eyes. They light up at this. They go dim when someone suggests a treatment that might make it better, an exercise you can try, a new therapy. Ugh. You don’t want to hear that.

  

   Your voice is soft and delicate, your s’s so sibilant and pronounced in your speech, clearly a social construct you learned in your sorority or maybe earlier as a junior high cheerleader. Beneath this gentle façade is anger, and this is what unnerves me. You are a phony. You are a passive-aggressive broken record. As you prattle on and on about health problems you have experienced throughout your life, re-telling the same story every single week, there is someone in the next room with terminal cancer. You know this, hell, she is an acquaintance of yours, but you pay no mind. Her problems seem so insignificant in comparison to yours! You poor thing. But, oh, how strong you are! You make sure to walk into the office with a face perfectly balanced in an expression of pain but also of weary hope, for you are a fighter. Maybe that cancer victim can learn something from you. You are a shining example of dogged-determination and optimism. 

   This is why you must ear-rape me during each of our sessions, talking non-stop in a monologue that threatens to never end. It is a monologue I’ve heard so many times I could recite it by memory. 

You’re a bored housewife. Your husband ignores you. He gives you plenty of money so you can stay home and wallow in your insurmountable problems, carefully plan how else you will procure your necessary attention from all who will listen. You bathe in your pain, your self-pity and your narcissism. You are self-absorbed to the furthest extent. This has been going on for years. The doctors cannot even come up with a diagnosis that satisfies you, except mild tendinitis. But I’d bet about a third of your husband’s income goes towards your doctor visits, your prescription medications, your endless X-rays and MRIs.

  

   This is why I averted my eyes today when you walked in. Your aura, this powerful self-created energy swirls around your being consuming the entire office, so that when the assistants and interns walk by, they want to steer quickly away, averting eye contact, but they don’t know why. Something is just too much. There is a pushiness to you and your illness-identity. Your eyes, large and blue, staring into mine, searching, desperate, commanding me to “recognize this, acknowledge this! I am suffering greatly but I’m a trooper! I’m tough!” It’s exhausting and it depletes me. I feel a strong urge to leave the room if I am unfortunate enough to be booked with you. After ten minutes, maybe forty minutes, I will be tired and cranky but wired and irritated, my nerves frayed. You are an energy vampire. 

   But you’re also my mother which is why this gets under my skin. I need you to be there for me, the way you were when I was young. You weren’t always like this, not even fifteen years ago when you married Rob, my long-suffering and patient step-father. I need to break away and not allow you to affect me this way. I need to accept you as you are and find some distance, some separateness. I just don’t know where to begin. I suppose I will pray about it like you told me to do when I was a child. 

All of My Love (and soul, and bleeding ears, and abused nerves),

Cynthia

...

Author's Reflection

   I realized most of the focus was on the mother, not the main character, so I had to figure out why her mother affected her in this way. I will be working to explore and go further into her inner conflict as the story develops.